It's only fair to start with myself. If I'm going to pick apart the people I love and who love me...and who represent the other side of the crazy scale from me...I should start at home. Get ready for a long therapy session. But...um...I've never been to therapy, so this is bound to get messy.
Where to start? Well...I think I'm pretty wierd, to be honest. I kind of have this chameleon ability to fit in with a lot of different people, but I don't revel in it...in fact...people freak me out most of the time. If given my preference, I would stay inside my home 99% of the time and only venture out when I can't face the four walls anymore. I like control. I like hosting parties instead of going to parties. I like having dinner at home instead of going to restaurants. I like not taking risks. Lately, I find myself to be awfully boring, a little growth stunted, and not a little bit superior in my attitude toward others. I hate change...it freaks me out...and I usually have to be dragged kicking and screaming into anything new (after many sullen and anxiety filled moments).
On the plus side (god I hope there is one) I'm generally a kind person. I work my ass off. I try really really hard to make sure people around me are happy. I like to laugh...and I love it when my husband makes me laugh. I'm a good wife more than I'm a bad wife. I am at my best when I'm needed. I enjoy a great book and, even more, talking about that book with a friend or my husband. I like art...and I love my husband the artist. I love my sister J. The other siblings are a bit of a mystery to me. I love my nieces and nephews, and 99.999% of the time I'm at peace with the decision I made not to have children of my own.
The holidays make me crazy. I mean have you ever seen Holly Hunter in "Home for the Holidays?" - yeah that's me, but I'm way less cool.
A friend recently observed that I tend to surround myself with troubled people. I paused for a moment and asked her...but how many of them are NOT related to me?
I sometimes yearn to win the lottery...but then I wonder what the hell I would do with all that money? I lack a sense of adventure. My imagination is limited to the little vignettes that play out in my brain. People tell me I can write, and I enjoy it - both the writing and hearing that people think I can...but I'm not sure I really believe it and I don't think I have the discipline, energy, or focus to pull anything together that could be deemed worthy of publishing.
I love luxurious things. I would love to own a great car. But when the chance arises, I cheap out when it comes to making the purchase. I have Niemen Marcus taste, and a Sears tolerance for spending. I lack the shopping discipline to save up and buy classic pieces, so my little tiny closet (sigh) is filled with cheap imitations that don't last through more than a few laundry cycles. I secretly want to be a fashion diva, but I dress hyper conservatively - right down to my black leather 2-inch heel pumps. The show and movie Sex and the City made me green with envy. The crazy fashion. The adventurous and high-priced Manhattan lifestyle. And the deep and abiding friendships of four women. You see I have many friends who I love to death, but who I'm not really sure I know or who really know me.
Lately I've noticed my anxiety is extending beyond my own life and connecting empathetically with fictional characters in movies and tv. I recently had to do a project for school that focused on improving Sears retail business. Now I watch Sears ads and my stomach muscles tense, wondering if business is improving.
Seriously. I'm getting nuttier by the minute.
So now that you know a little more about me, you can take my posts and my profiles of the rest of my crazy gene pool in context of my own little crazy point of view.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My Mom So Does Not Get Me
Once again I find myself hiding out here to respond to my mother.
I'm kind of speechless though.
All I can think to say is, she SOOOO doesn't get me.
My other blog has a title that expresses my battle against small spans of time where anxiety overcomes me. Anyone who really knows me totally gets that I sweat the details...too much. Anyone who knows me knows I am not just a little bit neurotic. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't let it stop me, but it certainly gives me pause now and then. Anyone who knows me knows that I usually take these moments and seek the comedy inside them or my reaction to them to battle them.
My Mom? She actually left a comment on my blog that said this,
"Not sure about your new look but I never understood the anxious moments title in the first place.I guess that is not what I want your life to focus on."
This comment is simultaneously touching (she cares and doesn't want me to worry) and also sad (because she so does not get me).
I'm kind of speechless though.
All I can think to say is, she SOOOO doesn't get me.
My other blog has a title that expresses my battle against small spans of time where anxiety overcomes me. Anyone who really knows me totally gets that I sweat the details...too much. Anyone who knows me knows I am not just a little bit neurotic. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't let it stop me, but it certainly gives me pause now and then. Anyone who knows me knows that I usually take these moments and seek the comedy inside them or my reaction to them to battle them.
My Mom? She actually left a comment on my blog that said this,
"Not sure about your new look but I never understood the anxious moments title in the first place.I guess that is not what I want your life to focus on."
This comment is simultaneously touching (she cares and doesn't want me to worry) and also sad (because she so does not get me).
Monday, November 10, 2008
Profiles
I've decided to spend some time during November creating profiles for each of our "characters"...and our family is FULL of characters. So get ready world. I'll be introducing them one by one starting tomorrow.
J-Sister - you'll have to do your share as well....
J-Sister - you'll have to do your share as well....
What's a Daughter to Do?
Disclaimer: I love my mom. I know someday I will lose her and look back on these moments with disbelief that I ever felt the way I do....but I do...I can't help it. A comedian once said, "Of course your mom knows how to push all your buttons! She installed them!" And that is the truest statement I've ever heard.
----
On Saturday the phone rang and I buried my head under the blanket and said, "If it's mom - don't pick it up." I struggle with that feeling alot, because I feel that the one time I don't pick it up will be the emergency call that I need to be there for. Lately I've found myself saying, "I'm going to call Mom and get it over with." This is the feeling I have that if I do a pre-emptive strike by calling her, I've managed to dodge the bullet of getting the call when I just can't get up the enthusiasm to talk.
I'm not a parent, but I have to say, this is the most ungrateful, selfish, terrible thing I can imagine hearing from a child you've brought up. All the sacrifices my mom made for me go right out the window when I think of having to deal with her "stuff".
Recently, a friend saw her comments on my other (public) blog and said, "You really should block her from commenting." So I felt vindicated that others saw that her comments are often read as criticism - even of me - her most favored biological child (imagine how the other half-siblings feel!). She recently posted a comment on my husband's blog that made him feel she had no confidence in his abilities at all. Today she sent me an email reminding me of when Bud's birthday is (day after Thanksgiving) and that we need to have a plan to celebrate it. Why doesn't SHE make the plan to celebrate it? Then she said she was going to bake the special recipe bread that I always make for the holiday and bring it...is this just being helpful? or more likely her belief I won't get to it. I don't know. I truly believe she doesn't mean to be mean. I truly believe she doesn't understand how it sounds and how we feel when we hear it.
But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
And doesn't make me pick up the phone any faster.
----
On Saturday the phone rang and I buried my head under the blanket and said, "If it's mom - don't pick it up." I struggle with that feeling alot, because I feel that the one time I don't pick it up will be the emergency call that I need to be there for. Lately I've found myself saying, "I'm going to call Mom and get it over with." This is the feeling I have that if I do a pre-emptive strike by calling her, I've managed to dodge the bullet of getting the call when I just can't get up the enthusiasm to talk.
I'm not a parent, but I have to say, this is the most ungrateful, selfish, terrible thing I can imagine hearing from a child you've brought up. All the sacrifices my mom made for me go right out the window when I think of having to deal with her "stuff".
Recently, a friend saw her comments on my other (public) blog and said, "You really should block her from commenting." So I felt vindicated that others saw that her comments are often read as criticism - even of me - her most favored biological child (imagine how the other half-siblings feel!). She recently posted a comment on my husband's blog that made him feel she had no confidence in his abilities at all. Today she sent me an email reminding me of when Bud's birthday is (day after Thanksgiving) and that we need to have a plan to celebrate it. Why doesn't SHE make the plan to celebrate it? Then she said she was going to bake the special recipe bread that I always make for the holiday and bring it...is this just being helpful? or more likely her belief I won't get to it. I don't know. I truly believe she doesn't mean to be mean. I truly believe she doesn't understand how it sounds and how we feel when we hear it.
But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
And doesn't make me pick up the phone any faster.
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