What's a Daughter to Do?

Disclaimer: I love my mom. I know someday I will lose her and look back on these moments with disbelief that I ever felt the way I do....but I do...I can't help it. A comedian once said, "Of course your mom knows how to push all your buttons! She installed them!" And that is the truest statement I've ever heard.

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On Saturday the phone rang and I buried my head under the blanket and said, "If it's mom - don't pick it up." I struggle with that feeling alot, because I feel that the one time I don't pick it up will be the emergency call that I need to be there for. Lately I've found myself saying, "I'm going to call Mom and get it over with." This is the feeling I have that if I do a pre-emptive strike by calling her, I've managed to dodge the bullet of getting the call when I just can't get up the enthusiasm to talk.

I'm not a parent, but I have to say, this is the most ungrateful, selfish, terrible thing I can imagine hearing from a child you've brought up. All the sacrifices my mom made for me go right out the window when I think of having to deal with her "stuff".

Recently, a friend saw her comments on my other (public) blog and said, "You really should block her from commenting." So I felt vindicated that others saw that her comments are often read as criticism - even of me - her most favored biological child (imagine how the other half-siblings feel!). She recently posted a comment on my husband's blog that made him feel she had no confidence in his abilities at all. Today she sent me an email reminding me of when Bud's birthday is (day after Thanksgiving) and that we need to have a plan to celebrate it. Why doesn't SHE make the plan to celebrate it? Then she said she was going to bake the special recipe bread that I always make for the holiday and bring it...is this just being helpful? or more likely her belief I won't get to it. I don't know. I truly believe she doesn't mean to be mean. I truly believe she doesn't understand how it sounds and how we feel when we hear it.

But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

And doesn't make me pick up the phone any faster.