Eve Turns 50

This week Eve turned 50.

And I?...I sent her a card.

That's it, just a card. I did email her to let her know the card would be late. What I didn't tell her was that it was late because I kept struggling with whether or not to get her a present. I was trying to remember if I've ever gotten a present from Eve. Maybe if she had me in the holiday grabbag we used to organize until JSister and I couldn't stand handling all the issues around it anymore. (another story...another day)

I honestly don't think I ever got anything from her. I'm the youngest sister, so I would think I might remember getting more items because she would have been grown and working and on her own while I was still making minimum wage in an after school job. But...nada...at least in my recollection. Not for Sweet 16, not for 21, not for college graduation, not for 30, not for 40.

Anyway, that isn't what gift giving is supposed to be about. But as I tried to come up with the answer of whether (and what) to give, this thought kept recurring. That and remembering how Eve and L-Z-Boy have sent out notices the last few Christmases that they will NOT be buying gifts for anyone (I couldn't remember this being a new practice?) because they were strapped for cash. Well damn, I get that. But then I would hear that L-Z-Boy bought a new motorcycle for himself, and Eve bought an i-Pod for herself.

Now truly - they didn't have the money. They have refinanced their house so many times that they probably still have a 30-year mortgage after living in the house for 15 years. They've even re-financed their van several times. I didn't even know you could do that...I mean isn't a car a depreciating asset? How can you get money from that?

I just found it astonishing that while they couldn't stretch their funds to buy for others, they could for themselves. Given their highly religious positioning as born-again Christians I found this to be a continuation of their hypocrisy. Are you supposed to give to others first?

I honestly don't want a present from her. I'd rather have the gift of enjoying giving to her. I'd rather feel like it doesn't matter that she can't afford to buy something new, and have the joy of giving her something new because I can.

Cuz truly, there is nothing like seeing someone's face light up when you've given them something they love. Small, large, cheap, expensive, hard to get, easy to get, one in a million, one of a million...just as long as it is something that brings them joy.

So this year, on Eve's 50th birthday, I sent a card.

And this year, on Christmas, I'll send another card.

Because I can't think of anything that would bring her joy. And that makes ME sad.

Home for the Holidays

Have you ever seen Home for the Holidays with Holly Hunter (good lord that is a lot of H's)? That never happens in my life. But in my head, that is every holiday I've ever had or ever will have. Truly. It is not bad in real life. But because I have this dread and perception of holidays in my head...it's happening within me, even when all is ok in the real world. Screwy right? Right.

Anyway, I was just on Blue Bamboo, and saw that she had posted about her holiday plans. Travel on Command with MIL, FIL, GMIL, etc. Travel on command because the plans were made and she and her husband and kids were told to get the time off and get on board. I'm assuming this means a paid holiday...and all the natural encumbrances that come with that.

A few years ago, Mom and Bud decided they wanted to go to Hawaii along with Eve, J-sister and their families. We were ENCOURAGED to participate. We refused. We claimed poverty and work issues, but were honest with J-Sister that there was no way in hell we were up for travel trapped with Bud, Mom, Eve and her husband...we'll call him La-Z-Boy since he wasn't in our original cast at right.

And boy were we right. In the course of the vacation, Mom got stuck in an elevator and had a panic attack and La-Z-Boy decided to go off his anti-depressants. Can you imagine Hawaii being turned into a walking insane asylum?

Kip and I are coming up on our 20th anniversary. For our 10th we went to Hawaii - on our own - and I'd love to go back. But no way no how will it be in the company of these crazy people. Luckily the economy will likely keep all of us safely in our own homes.

So then, all I need to sweat about is the "Home for the Holidays' nightmares.

Profile No. 1: WSISTER SELF PORTRAIT

It's only fair to start with myself. If I'm going to pick apart the people I love and who love me...and who represent the other side of the crazy scale from me...I should start at home. Get ready for a long therapy session. But...um...I've never been to therapy, so this is bound to get messy.

Where to start? Well...I think I'm pretty wierd, to be honest. I kind of have this chameleon ability to fit in with a lot of different people, but I don't revel in it...in fact...people freak me out most of the time. If given my preference, I would stay inside my home 99% of the time and only venture out when I can't face the four walls anymore. I like control. I like hosting parties instead of going to parties. I like having dinner at home instead of going to restaurants. I like not taking risks. Lately, I find myself to be awfully boring, a little growth stunted, and not a little bit superior in my attitude toward others. I hate change...it freaks me out...and I usually have to be dragged kicking and screaming into anything new (after many sullen and anxiety filled moments).

On the plus side (god I hope there is one) I'm generally a kind person. I work my ass off. I try really really hard to make sure people around me are happy. I like to laugh...and I love it when my husband makes me laugh. I'm a good wife more than I'm a bad wife. I am at my best when I'm needed. I enjoy a great book and, even more, talking about that book with a friend or my husband. I like art...and I love my husband the artist. I love my sister J. The other siblings are a bit of a mystery to me. I love my nieces and nephews, and 99.999% of the time I'm at peace with the decision I made not to have children of my own.

The holidays make me crazy. I mean have you ever seen Holly Hunter in "Home for the Holidays?" - yeah that's me, but I'm way less cool.

A friend recently observed that I tend to surround myself with troubled people. I paused for a moment and asked her...but how many of them are NOT related to me?

I sometimes yearn to win the lottery...but then I wonder what the hell I would do with all that money? I lack a sense of adventure. My imagination is limited to the little vignettes that play out in my brain. People tell me I can write, and I enjoy it - both the writing and hearing that people think I can...but I'm not sure I really believe it and I don't think I have the discipline, energy, or focus to pull anything together that could be deemed worthy of publishing.

I love luxurious things. I would love to own a great car. But when the chance arises, I cheap out when it comes to making the purchase. I have Niemen Marcus taste, and a Sears tolerance for spending. I lack the shopping discipline to save up and buy classic pieces, so my little tiny closet (sigh) is filled with cheap imitations that don't last through more than a few laundry cycles. I secretly want to be a fashion diva, but I dress hyper conservatively - right down to my black leather 2-inch heel pumps. The show and movie Sex and the City made me green with envy. The crazy fashion. The adventurous and high-priced Manhattan lifestyle. And the deep and abiding friendships of four women. You see I have many friends who I love to death, but who I'm not really sure I know or who really know me.

Lately I've noticed my anxiety is extending beyond my own life and connecting empathetically with fictional characters in movies and tv. I recently had to do a project for school that focused on improving Sears retail business. Now I watch Sears ads and my stomach muscles tense, wondering if business is improving.

Seriously. I'm getting nuttier by the minute.

So now that you know a little more about me, you can take my posts and my profiles of the rest of my crazy gene pool in context of my own little crazy point of view.

My Mom So Does Not Get Me

Once again I find myself hiding out here to respond to my mother.


I'm kind of speechless though.


All I can think to say is, she SOOOO doesn't get me.


My other blog has a title that expresses my battle against small spans of time where anxiety overcomes me. Anyone who really knows me totally gets that I sweat the details...too much. Anyone who knows me knows I am not just a little bit neurotic. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't let it stop me, but it certainly gives me pause now and then. Anyone who knows me knows that I usually take these moments and seek the comedy inside them or my reaction to them to battle them.

My Mom? She actually left a comment on my blog that said this,

"Not sure about your new look but I never understood the anxious moments title in the first place.I guess that is not what I want your life to focus on."

This comment is simultaneously touching (she cares and doesn't want me to worry) and also sad (because she so does not get me).

Profiles

I've decided to spend some time during November creating profiles for each of our "characters"...and our family is FULL of characters. So get ready world. I'll be introducing them one by one starting tomorrow.

J-Sister - you'll have to do your share as well....

What's a Daughter to Do?

Disclaimer: I love my mom. I know someday I will lose her and look back on these moments with disbelief that I ever felt the way I do....but I do...I can't help it. A comedian once said, "Of course your mom knows how to push all your buttons! She installed them!" And that is the truest statement I've ever heard.

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On Saturday the phone rang and I buried my head under the blanket and said, "If it's mom - don't pick it up." I struggle with that feeling alot, because I feel that the one time I don't pick it up will be the emergency call that I need to be there for. Lately I've found myself saying, "I'm going to call Mom and get it over with." This is the feeling I have that if I do a pre-emptive strike by calling her, I've managed to dodge the bullet of getting the call when I just can't get up the enthusiasm to talk.

I'm not a parent, but I have to say, this is the most ungrateful, selfish, terrible thing I can imagine hearing from a child you've brought up. All the sacrifices my mom made for me go right out the window when I think of having to deal with her "stuff".

Recently, a friend saw her comments on my other (public) blog and said, "You really should block her from commenting." So I felt vindicated that others saw that her comments are often read as criticism - even of me - her most favored biological child (imagine how the other half-siblings feel!). She recently posted a comment on my husband's blog that made him feel she had no confidence in his abilities at all. Today she sent me an email reminding me of when Bud's birthday is (day after Thanksgiving) and that we need to have a plan to celebrate it. Why doesn't SHE make the plan to celebrate it? Then she said she was going to bake the special recipe bread that I always make for the holiday and bring it...is this just being helpful? or more likely her belief I won't get to it. I don't know. I truly believe she doesn't mean to be mean. I truly believe she doesn't understand how it sounds and how we feel when we hear it.

But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

And doesn't make me pick up the phone any faster.

CONTROL FREAK !

Do all females feel like they need to be in control or is it just Eve.

She wants to have a 50th Birthday party - for herself! She asked me and a friend of hers to plan this party; however, Eve sent us the list of people she wants, invitation, told us where to have the party, what kind of food and drinks or lack of drinks! Non-alcoholic - which really is ok because she has many alcoholic friends, including her husband....
Now she tells me she wants to check over the evite before I send it...





CAN YOU SAY CONTROL FREAK! even her friend thinks so (email: she wants us to organize and do all the work, but she still has to be in control!!) But wait a minute.....she is doing this "control" becuase it really isn't "her" it's "GOD" working through EVE.
Whatever! I'll have the party like a good little soldier and be out of town 5 days later!